a quiet time is all i need...a quiet time, alone.: Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
::sAme:: 7:11 AM



just got back like 3 miserable days ago....life still sucks...in fact,a new year ahead means ....ugh...cant think....it's all just pathetic. everything's worse off now than before... always wondering why...mother and sarah are ,i think,suffering from food poisoning...wont go into the details....Christmas has passed and the new year has come...yet ...i dont really seem to be prepared for anything that comes my way...cant seem to understand why...urgh...*big sigh* The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy. is that for real? i dont seem to be paying much attention to things that are happening on the outside world. i dont understand why things are going the way they are...its really saddening when you find out that the ones you really ever trust in your whole life are doing things you can never imagine just to hurt you. and when it really does come to a point where it really hurts so bad...you would feel as if your life has to end somehow...and you dont know what to do...especially when those people are your ever-so-loved family members. i never seemed to have understood. and will i ever? There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. is that agreed? i have... at this point of time... nothing to say at all......... Hating people is like burning down your house to kill a rat. uh-huh...thats almost exactly what im feeling now...there's this group of pesky rats...in my house...and....i hate them so bad......so bad that everything i try to do to make myself feel less hurt....actually hurts me more...what more is expected of me?arrghhh. It is loneliness and sadness that makes the loudest noise.all i can do now is to pray and hope that these of my feelings may spur me into finding something to live for...and great enough to die for...... Think about this: We often ask God to forgive us for our evil thoughts,evil doings and evil temper, but have we ever asked Him to forgive us for our sadness? is that what i have left to do now...? right at this stage of my life? of all the 10 people i have trusted and protected the best i can...8 of them have already turned against me...is this ever fair?will the remaining 2 do the same? out of those 8 people...4 of them are the closest to me in relationship wise.my family. now its just me left....to continue this hurtful battle against "them"...all by myself...will i ever pull through?it is that which confuses me....... all i have to say is that there must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. and to conclude this post...the absence of love is the most abject pain.